Bookshop Babylon

Ugh. Xmas is here. Let the gender essentialism begin.

2011-11-13T15:05:00.001+13:00

So at the shop of dreams, the xmas stock has started to roll in. And it's really at this time of year (and at mother's day of course) that consumerism likes to, in addition to diminishing our bank balances, remind us that all of us are supposed to be exactly the same all the time always.

Women are either mums or they're five. They will all enjoy cookbooks, novels by Jilly Cooper or little pink-packaged sets of doings to make their own lipgloss or create little models of cupcakes. Presumably so their imaginary tea-party guests don't go hungry.

Men however, all read Lee Child and Tom Clancy novels, possibly a sports book or two, and never cookbooks, unless they have the words 'beer' or 'barbecue' in the title.

Now none of this stock is inherently bad or problematic, it's just totally annoying (and heteronormative) how it's all set underneath 'for him' and 'for her' signs.

(By the way, if you're neither a him or a her, you're not expected to like anything).

Oh, and what d'you mean you don't celebrate xmas?

This rant has no purpose. I have nowhere to go from here.

I feel better now.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go back to pricing lipgloss in the shape of cupcakes and sparkplug keychains.

Just shoot me now.

A Song of Ice and Fire

2011-07-23T18:26:00.000+12:00

Okay, so becoming addicted to a looong series of fantasy novels a mere two books into my list is a small snag in my plan to read all of these books by march. But I think I can rise to the challenge.

I read the first novel (Game of Thrones) in George R.R. Martin's epic series A Song of Ice and Fire because, like so many others, I fell in love with the HBO TV show based on the books. For those of you who are tv watchers, I would highly recommend it, unless you are particularly squeamish or have a problem watching a lot of naked people. Because, I have said elsewhere, it really is tits and guts all the way down. Also there are dragons.

The books are hefty things, the first one nearly 800 pages, the second slightly longer, but they are so gripping that one barely notices the page numbers fly by. While on a wee holiday, I managed to rip through the second book A Clash of Kings and am at the moment managing to avoid getting straight into part one (yes, there is seriously a two-part book in this series) of book three.

The series is set in the land of Westoros, centering around the Seven Kingdoms and the families within them. The central family of the novel is House Stark, of Winterfell in the icy north. They become scattered across the Seven Kingdoms and embroiled in a huge war over the Iron Throne. There are so many characters with so many strange names that there is a list in the back of each book, with the families, their sigils, and their geographies to keep them all straight. It's like reading one of those epic Russian novels, except it's entertaining.

One thing I really like about these books is that there are lots of excellent strong female characters in them. Make no mistake, a lot of awful things happen to women in this series. The dudes in these books seem to really love rape (the covers should have gigantic trigger warnings on them) and the way it is brushed aside can be very off-putting, but there are some truly bad-ass ladies on the side of light (and quite a few who are pretty darn evil too). Lady Catelyn Stark is my favourite (possibly because she shares my name, we'll forgive the misspelling), she takes rich men captive, fights off wildlings and will walk through fire for her children. Queen Cersei Lannister is definitely one of the bad guys. She kills people and lies and cheats. I hate her living guts, but my goodness is she bad-ass. She, like Catelyn Stark, will do anything for her family and for power.

I would reccomend this series to every fantasy-lover out there, it is truly epic. If you aren't usually a fantasy fan I would suggest having a go at the TV show before reading the series, as it sticks very close to the first novel, taking whole chunks of dialogue straight from the book.

And now, I continue to fight my own battle, the one to stop me from just reading all of them in one go.

It Has Begun

2011-06-29T00:59:00.000+12:00

That's right, my journey through The Most Epic Booklist Which Is Perpetually Added To (TMEBWIPAT*) has begun.

I decided to begin with probably the most light-hearted book on my list, Bossypants by Tina Fey.

I'm about halfway through and I am thoroughly enjoying myself. I don't usually laugh out loud** while reading books, even funny ones. I don't know, I just usually smile, or inwardly laugh hysterically while retaining my normal internet-reading expression.*** But I have spent most of the time spent reading this book laughing like a person who is really very amused. You may be able to tell that some of Tina's writing style has rubbed off on me. Or at least I like to think so.

She somehow manages to make everything funny, even what I imagine would be a truly hideous experience (fainting after being hit hard in the cervix by a speculum at your first pap smear for example)**** into a charming and funny anecdote, the type of story that you would tell at an afternoon cocktail party.

So I would highly recommend Bossypants to everyone, but especially 30 Rock/Fey fans, because this book is like reading the memoir of a slightly more well-adjusted Liz Lemon, without the crippling insecurity.

Also her dad sounds like a BAMF.

----------------------------------------------------

*Don't worry I won't refer to it as this. Much
**I said laugh out loud, lol.
***Which is this by the way.
**** OUCH, basically.

My list of books to read is getting out of control.

2011-06-05T00:38:00.000+12:00

My books are getting out of control. I need to do some trademe selling to free up some space.

Added to the list below:

Half of a Yellow Sun/Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Alias Grace/Margaret Atwood
Briefing for the Descent into Hell/Doris Lessig
Remains of the Day/Kazuo Ishiguro
The Bean Trees/Barbara Kingsolver
The Namesake/Jhumpa Lahiri
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings/Maya Angelou
Small Island/Andrea Levy
White Teeth/Zadie Smith
Brick Lane/Monica Ali
Plugged/Eoin Colfer
Stories/Neil Gaiman and Al Sarrantino
O/Anonymous
The Final Testament of the Holy Bible/James Frey

A list of some female writers I love

2011-06-04T17:48:00.000+12:00

In response to this misogynistic nonsense, and in no particular order (plus these are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head).

P.D. James
Agatha Christie
Alice Hoffman
Diana Wynne-Jones
Margaret Atwood
A.S. Byatt
Jane Austen
J.K. Rowling
Paulina Simons
Virginia Woolf
Harper Lee
Did I mention Margaret Atwood?
Hilary Mantel
Joyce Carol Oates
Patti Smith
Oh and, I'm sorry, I think I may have forgotten Margaret Atwood.

And you know what worries me, after having re-read my list? I'm pretty sure they're all white.

Caitlin fails.

Note to self: read some female authors who aren't white. Or who aren't Margaret Atwood.

SEDUCED I say SEDUCED

2011-05-20T23:36:00.000+12:00

SHOCKED to learn there is gambling going on in this establishment.

Very few people will get that joke.

Anyway, I am yet again apologising for being a bad blogger. I'm actually an excellent blogger, just not here. Mostly here and here.

And HERE.

Yes, tumblr has seduced me, with her shiny surfaces, random hipsters and gif parties. So many snippets of wider debates and screencaps created by various fandoms. SO ADDICTIVE.

What with uni, two jobs and a social life (HA!), I have been finding it difficult to keep this blog going. But I MUST NOT give up. This was my first blog and I would be loath to lose it. So I shall persevere.

It might change a little, as I seldom feel the need to vent my customer-based frustrations anymore. Maybe I'm growing up, or maybe I'm getting a thicker skin or something.

I am, however, planning to do some serious reading after exams are over, so I imagine this will become a record of my literary adventures.

In fact, for your internetting-pleasure (internet can be a verb, right?), here is a list of the books I plan to read, crossposted from my tumblr.

IN THE VEIN OF BEING ORGANISED

I have now made a list, similar to this one of all some of the books which I have but have not read, which I plan to read during my 8-month-long hiatus from university. It has 34 books on it.

These are just a selection of what I guess is probably about 200 books which I have but have not read. It could be more than that, I’m just guessing.

I have a problem. I think bibliophilia might be a real thing and I may have it.

So here they are, my July 2011-March 2012 challenge, organised by genre.

Fiction

Everything is Illuminated/Jonathan Safran-Foer

Falling Man/Don DeLillo

Shades of Grey/Jasper Fforde

The Beautiful and Damned/F. Scott Fitzgerald

House of Leaves/Mark Danielewski

A Place of Greater Safety/Hilary Mantel

I Married a Communist/Philip Roth

Day After Night/Anita Diamant

Graphic Novels

Howl: The Graphic Novel/Allen Ginsberg and Eric Drooker

V for Vendetta/Alan Moore and David Lloyd

Women

Women of the Revolution: Forty Years of Feminism

America’s Women/Gail Collins

Cunt/Inga Muscio

Fat is a Feminist Issue/Susie Orbach

Why Women Should Rule the World/Dee Dee Meyers

The Means of Reproduction/Michelle Goldberg

The Beauty Myth/Naomi Wolf

Bananas, Beaches and Bases/Cynthia Enloe

History

The King’s Cardinal/Peter Gwyn

Nightmare: The Underside of the Nixon Years/J. Anthony Lukas

Shakespeare/Bill Bryson

Crown and Country/David Starkey

Politics/Sociology

Third World America/Ariana Huffington

Same Sex, Different Politics/Gary Mucciaroni

Gaza: Morality, Law and Politics/Raimond Gaita

Race of a Lifetime/John Hellerman and Mark Halpern

Globalization and its Discontents/Joseph Stiglitz

Sex, Lies and Pharmaceuticals/Ray Moynihan

One State, Two States/Benny Morris

Orientalism/Edward Said

Conservative Comebacks to Liberal Lies/Gregg Jackson (see here for an explanation)

Literary

Agatha Christie’s Secret Notebooks/John Curran
Shakespeare’s Philosophy/Colin McGinn
Talking About Detective Fiction/P.D. James

Think I can get through these in 8 months?

Let’s see, shall we?

This started out as a post where I bitch about customers and turned into one where I bitch about society.

2011-03-06T23:45:00.000+13:00

SO many idiotic customers today. And I've had a LOT in the last couple of weeks. Things have been a bit topsy-turvy at work, hence the lack of posting here for AAAAGES. I think most people will know what I'm talking about. If not, I'm sorry, I can't post about it directly (MYSTERY).

Some people seem to have a shocking lack of perspective. Especially when it comes to retail. There is this expectation, one which has been fostered by the 'customer is always right' nonsense which retailers bear a lot of the responsibility for, that somehow, if you're in a shop, everything should be exactly as you want it. Because, as one customer once put to me, "we pay your wages."

This is clearly wrong. But not just in an 'actually-the-people-who-employ-me-pay-my-wages' sort of way. It smacks of the old 'taxpayer money' idea. That somehow because X pays tax (or deigns to spend money in the shop where I'm employed) they should be able to loudly complain about every tiny thing they don't like. Certainly, taxation needs to be accompanied by some form of democratic representation, but the idea that there is a mythical catalogue of taxpayer funded things that citizens can choose from, is an entirely ridiculous one.

Consumerism, basically, sucks. And yes, if it didn't exist I might not have my job in a shop. If consumerism didn't exist I might be able to attend university without the need of a job, or if I had one it might be one which actually values me and my skills. Instead of being Employee No. 472247 I'd be me. I could make suggestions to my boss about stock and I'd be listened to. Instead of getting ridiculous directives from slick executives who've probably never stepped into my city, let alone my shop.

What I'm trying to get at, is maybe instead of thinking of ourselves as 'paying customers' or 'taxpayers' who can behave as badly as we please to the faceless 'employees' because we indirectly remunerate them, we should start thinking of ourselves as valued individuals who have different skills to bring to our communities and different needs to fulfill.

Is that so freakin' hard?

And if it is too hard, and we're irrevocably stuck in this nightmare that is consumerist capitalism gone mad, can you at least not yell at me?

Thanks.

Crappy Day in the Shop of Dreams

2010-12-21T13:13:00.000+13:00

Yesterday was really awful. No seriously, worst day in ages. So, in order to really show my frustration at all of the hideous customers I had to deal with yesterday, I went looking for a gif. On my search I found so many great things I stopped being annoyed.

Thank you, internet. Thank you.

Bookshop Babylon PSA: How Not to Piss off Retail Workers at Christmas

2010-12-13T21:03:00.000+13:00

A lot of people seem to have real problems not pissing me off at Christmastime. Me and lots of other poor sods who have to work in shops at Christmas.it's hell, we know. It's hell for you, it's hell for us.

Christmas music blasts continuously from tinny mall speakers, reminding you, that Santa Claus Is indeed Coming To Town, so you'd better get those damn presents PERFECT!

Not one air conditioner actually works, they buckle under the weight of the globally warmed air, so everyone walks around sweltering in the recycled, tepid atmosphere.

The shops seem to have run out of what you want every single time you step in one.

We know.

But think about it for a second. We have to stand, with the music and the heat beating down on us for freakin' hours on end. Our lives do not revolve around you and whatever shit you want to buy for your annoying relations. Our jobs don't even revolve around that.

BUT we are very appreciative of nice people at this time of year. If I like you, I will help you out a little more than I perhaps would if you piss me off. So, here are some handy tips to make all of our lives easier.

1. There is a queue. There is always a queue, it's Christmas. Jesus has to queue at Christmas. Don't take it as a personal affront when I point this out to you. No matter how confused you pretend to be, we all know that you are an impatient ass, so get to the back of the queue already.

2. Shops are not like the Tardis. It is not the mythical Argos of Bill Bailey's dreams (in joke). We cannot stock everything on earth. I'm dreadfully sorry that we don't have the obscure history of the Ukrainian Sewage system you're looking for (this actually happened), but we need room for all of the Dan Brown books. I hate it too, you know.

3. It is not my fault when other shops fuck up. I am sorry that there is no one manning the calendar club stand, but we cannot sell you something that isn't ours. I cannot change this. In other words, it ain't my problem, lady.

4. Unless you are Amish, you have been in a shop before. We expect you to have some rudimentary level of knowledge about how things go in a shop. Shops are owned by people, who are sometimes corporations. Corporations run on Capitalism. Capitalism wants your money. It is unlikely, therefore, that Capitalism will let you have stuff cheap. When there is a sale, the discount will not apply to already discounted items. This is not a rip off, as you so often tell me, because it's ALREADY DISCOUNTED. You're already getting it cheaper, so quit freakin' moaning.

I'm sure I'll think of more tips as the 'primary gifting period' continues, but that'll do for now.

Please try not to piss me off.

Overheard at the Bookshop

2010-12-06T18:47:00.000+13:00

(Me, sitting on the floor, surrounded by about five cartons of lonely planet guides)

CUSTOMER: "Do you guys sell lonely planet guides?"

ME: .... (incredulous look)

CUSTOMER: "Have I walked right past them?"

Seriously folks, I couldn't make this stuff up.

Overheard at the Bookshop

2010-11-21T17:58:00.000+13:00

Some kids (maybe 18ish):

Kid 1: "Who's Malcolm X?"

Kid 2: "Oh my god, do you really not know who Malcolm X is!?"

Kid 1: "No, who is he?"

Kid 2: "Dude, he was like the guy who started the Reformation."

...

Decision Points on the Journey to Lazarus Rising.

2010-11-16T17:03:00.000+13:00

It's christmas time and there's a great need to be afraid. Yep, that's right, decorations are up and the annual exponential rise in customers has started. The stock is piling up; boxes and boxes of shit which no one would ever buy if they weren't trying to get their whole christmas shopping list done on one day and in one shop.

Yet another little box of address books and journals which are too tiny to use, so will sit on someone's shelf for half the year before they remember they have it.

The coffee-table book of 'beautiful pigs' which will go straight to the bottom-right section of the bookshelf, where you store your old school yearbooks and all the endless Anne Geddes books of creepy babies dressed as elves etc.

The jokey-retro 'I'm a bitch' calendar, the one that you'll put on your desk and forget to rip any pages off, which you will throw out in August, the date still reading 'January 24th.'

But what really scares me is the fact that this christmas, three biographies have really jumped out at me as clealry having been released for the 'primary gifting period.'

The Journey by Tony Blair

Decision Points by George Bush

Lazarus Rising by John Howard

Three no doubt ghosted books (apparently The Journey is excrutiatingly badly written) which will attempt to create a mixture of a healthy ability to poke fun at themselves, long mournful chapters about their terrible suffering and tracts of self-pitying crap which tries to justify their actions. Also so far both 'Decision Points' and 'The Journey' cost $75.00.

That's pretty pricey, so I was thinking that for anyone wanting to read these fine works of political biography *cough*, this might be an idea:

P.S.

Um, I don't think that's the lyric...

2010-11-09T17:37:00.000+13:00

Whenever I listen to 'The ballad of Lily, Rosemary and the Jack of Hearts' (one of my favourite Dylan songs) I invariably get it stuck in my head. This generally means that I'm singing it constantly for at least 24 hours. When this happens, I get the lyrics mixed up.

Sometimes with hilarious consequences.

If you've never heard it, it's immensely long with many verses, which means that the potential for mix-ups is far greater.

One of the lines is " Rosemary combed her hair and took a carriage into town." Bob, being Bob, slurs the 'r's in carriage so it sounds a little like 'cabbage.'

Hilarious moment #1.

Another line is "Lily took her dress off, buried it away."

So, if you ever hear me sing "Lily took her dress off and took a cabbage into town" that's what I've done.

It has a nice ring to it though...

From buzzfeed, the differences between Paris and New York

2010-11-05T22:40:00.000+13:00

...cause apparently these are the only ones.

The smell of freedom

2010-11-05T18:55:00.000+13:00

I had my last exam today, so summer has officially begun for me and I intend to make the most of it! I'm doing a summer internship in the politics department and of course will be doing the christmas grind at the bookshop, so it's not all fun and games, but I shall have infinitely more time for blogging and I intend to catch up on an awful lot of reading.

Oh yeah, and THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS ARE UP. At the westfield malls. ALREADY.

Just kill me now.

I AM OFFENDED BECAUSE...: The Fury and the Furiously Busy

2010-11-05T18:10:00.000+13:00

This may just be my favourite blog. Excellent rage-filled rants about all the mysoginistic, homophobic and fatphobic crap that exists in the world.

I AM OFFENDED BECAUSE...: The Fury and the Furiously Busy: "Despite writing a blog about being offended, and therefore living in a state of near-permanant rage, it is not that often that I get really ..."

OH MY WORD

2010-11-03T23:15:00.000+13:00

They've made a movie of For colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf by Ntozake Shange. LIKE ACTUALLY. This choreopoem was the first thing I ever read for uni and I seriously think it changed my life. The movie is called simply 'For Colored Girls' and features, well a whole lot of fabulous African American ladies.

While I feel a little anxious about what they're going to do to the poem, I'm glad that maybe more people will read it as a result.

Buy it from here now and read it.

DO IT.

Katy Perry Will Change Your Life

2010-11-01T22:54:00.000+13:00

From Jezebel:

In response to this.

My Favourite Fear/Sanity Placards

2010-10-31T18:37:00.000+13:00

This is so awesome it needs no explanation

2010-10-29T11:02:00.000+13:00

From Overheard Everywhere: Raps White People Like

2010-10-24T22:19:00.000+13:00

Go here, for this:

At this particular time the regional legal decision-making body known as NWA has assembled to deliver judgement

His excellency Judge Dre has nominated himself as adjudicator in the matter of NWA versus the Police Department of Silverlake, Los Angeles.

For the prosecution, I present Emcee Ren, A small block of Ice and an easy failing grade in CIE level examinations.

If everyone would please calm themselves and resume their seats, a small block of Ice will present testimony.

Are you so inclined to speak no falsehood,

and only truth, lest the lord take your African-American posterior and strike it down?

Would it please you to tell all assembled the matters you have taken grievance against?

I am upset with authority.

I am informing you of this knowledge from a place generally considered to be outside standard jurisdiction.

I believe an element of race to be causing these issues.

I am not of the same racial background as my fellow man,

And the police department of Silverlake, Los Angeles has taken it upon themselves to exercise lawful termination of myself and otherwise within my social strata regardless of cause.

I am not overly pleased with this, I am not, to my knowledge,

The appropriate person who may or may not be engaged in illicit night-time careers, and / or engage in conduct with a person from whom life has emerged, regardless of their symbol of employment within the police department of Silverlake, Los Angeles or their rifle,

To be violently struck, with intention, only to be held in contempt of civic authority.

I believe this aggressors would react differently should we be placed on equal terms, perhaps upon meeting in a detention centre.

I believe their issue stems largely from my youth,

which they believe is asynchronous to my possession of symbols of wealth and status.

An illegal search and seizure was attempted on my automobile,

Stemming from an incorrect belief that everyone of similar appearance to me deals in opiates.

The common approved view of individuals such as myself is that we belong in correctional facilities,

Not expensive automobiles such as I was driving the night the incident occurred, to which my colleague Lorenzo can attest.

Grievous bodily harm might occur if this happens in future,

At the end of which, clear demarcation of the scene is necessary

To identity the event which has occurred at that position.

I believe the injured party will have difficulty with consumption of food and beverage.

I am not sure if Kraft-Ebbing’s late nineteenth century term ‘Homosexual’ is an accurate description of the police department of Silverlake, Los Angeles,

But law-contrary searches have suggested this to me in intimate detail.

It is my view that without semiotic markers of violence, these individuals are without sexual congress.

If by chance the officers present happen to be of mixed race,

The violence inherent in the situation may escalate,

With expressions of solidarity provided on behalf of the minority attendant.

A small bock of ice will appear en masse,

Should any person of illicit conduct with a life-giver happen to festoon himself in garments of a cerulean or azure nature.

Purely because of my origin within West Hollywood, these men (with inappropriate night jobs) are afeared of my visage.

I am a young person of coarse African descent on a path set out by generals of old,

At the end of which I imagine is only more violence.

I see visions of members of the police department of Silverlake, Los Angeles, being struck down before their time.

So, yes, Judge Dre. I do indeed have an issue with the accused.

I am upset with authority.

And here for this:

You are perfectly aware that you harbour amorous affection towards me, and I am perfectly aware that you want to express them,

Raise your vocals to a greater height at any moment,and I shall endeavour to be at your side, unquestionably.

I am perfectly aware of my amorous affection for you. It is logical that I believe you to be the beating organ in my chest, then.

I am stalwart in my conviction that we shall not once in our lives part company.

You never informed me if our amorous nature was public. Woman, cease your games!

“My affection for you is simply platonic”. I cannot comprehend that statement!

You informed me such: “There is another” and caught my gaze with a stare that tames,

Prima-Affection, Prima-Disappointment!

And I expressed myself in these words: Infant Personage, Infant Personage, Infant Personage, I say

In these words: Infant Personage, Infant Personage, Infant Personage, I protest

In these words: Infant Personage, Infant Personage, Infant Personage, I say

I was of the persuasion that you were to become one of my possessions, my beloved possessions.

Infant Personage, Infant Personage, Infant Personage, I say

In these words: Infant Personage, Infant Personage, Infant Personage, I protest

In these words: Infant Personage, Infant Personage, Infant Personage, I say

I was of the persuasion that you were to become one of my possessions, my beloved possessions.

In your interest, my person would have assailed any task,

But I am afraid this surpasses comprehension.

I cannot remain stalwart, for you are exheunting such as liquid from a flask,

No object is unworthy if you wish it, nor any jeweled adornment beyond purchasisation.

I have come undone! Infant Personage bring your love glue gun to me,

And vigorously assail me until I awake from the phantasmic nightmare

My physical location is descending quickly,

I cannot comprehend that the recipient of my first expression of amorous intent will no longer fix me with her glare.

And I expressed myself in these words: Infant Personage, Infant Personage, Infant Personage, I say

In these words: Infant Personage, Infant Personage, Infant Personage, I protest

In these words: Infant Personage, Infant Personage, Infant Personage, I say

I was of the persuasion that you were to become one of my possessions, my beloved possessions.

And I expressed myself in these words: Infant Personage, Infant Personage, Infant Personage, I say

In these words: Infant Personage, Infant Personage, Infant Personage, I protest

In these words: Infant Personage, Infant Personage, Infant Personage, I say

I was of the persuasion that you were to become one of my possessions, my beloved possessions.

When I was but a young boy, I had my first expression of amorous intent

None in the land held a candle to my dear Infant Personage

Not one kept us apart whom would reach climax with you beneath them,

My mind I lost, as if a vice given up for Lent,

I was wakened readily, no need to purchase hot beverages in cafés in Stevenage.

My internal blood-pressure regulator lost pace,

It would stumbled upon glimpsing her visage,

In our place of education, during intervals,

I would like it very much if I could approach her outside that time without fear of mace

Her wonder was so complete it would baffle a corsage

My internal blood-pressure regulator has failed, but I say this despite issues medical:

Infant Personage, Infant Personage, Infant Personage, I say

In these words: Infant Personage, Infant Personage, Infant Personage, I protest

In these words: Infant Personage, Infant Personage, Infant Personage, I say

I was of the persuasion that you were to become one of my possessions, my beloved possessions.

Infant Personage, Infant Personage, Infant Personage, I say

In these words: Infant Personage, Infant Personage, Infant Personage, no

In these words: Infant Personage, Infant Personage, Infant Personage, I say

I was of the persuasion that you were to become one of my possessions, my beloved possessions.

I am left bereft

(I say, I say, I say)

Now I am left bereft

(I say, I say, I say)

Now I am left bereft

(I say, I say, I say)

Now I am left bereft, in all understanding

I am left bereft.

Genius.

But you're like really pretty?

2010-10-21T23:56:00.000+13:00

I just took a cab ride with this female driver I've seen around before (I feel so much better in a cab with a female driver. Paranoid, perhaps) and we chatted on the journey, she asked me what I was studying etc. I told her I was doing law and politics at which point she said "but you're really pretty?"

....

I got Regina Georged. In a nice way. I think.

Apparently pretty girls (also, apparently I'm pretty) don't do law and politics. I am reminded of this:

From lolnats

2010-10-13T21:01:00.000+13:00

White-rapping. The craze has begun.

2010-10-12T18:40:00.000+13:00

Here are a few others which people have posted on Facebook (oh noes! A meme!)

Gina:

As I take a leisurely stroll through the canyon of the overbearing darkness of the afterlife, I contemplate my mortality and come to the conclusion there’s a vast nothingness...

With lots of vigor force and activity, beautiful looking lady, we're going to hold a gathering as if it's your annual celebration, we're going to commemorate like it's your get together for your natal day, we're going to drink rum slowly as if it's your shindig, and you know we don't give two hoots that there's no annual event to mark with this special occasion.

Tim:

I am a stultus of tertiary level education with the common form of exchange on my conscious and unconscious cognative processes?

I'm also thinking we can branch out a little into other types of music...

The young ladies from the state of California are really rather neat, they tend to wear cut-off denim shorts (similar to those worn by the character of Daisy in the popular television show and film: The Dukes of Hazard) and the top half of a two-piece swimsuit.

I love xkcd.

2010-10-11T21:12:00.000+13:00

It's for nerds who like funny things.

Exhibit A:

Er'body in the club getting' tipss....

2010-10-11T20:52:00.000+13:00

I saw this:

Which is hilarious and it inspired me to create some of my own 'white' raps. 'Cause that's how I roll.

See if you can guess what songs they come from! (It's a game, playas... I'll stop now I promise).

All personages in the vicinity of this place of recreation and inebriation are imbibing alcoholic beverages and beginning to feel their effects on their systems.

And

I am a pleasant fellow, with some admirable aspirations, do you observe here these cubes of ice and additionally here, these frozen dairy products?

And

The authorities see me tootling along in my automobile and appear to look upon me with a derisive and suspicious manner. While patrolling their assigned streets they attempt to apprehend me while operating my vehicle in an illegal or immoral fashion.

I'm pretty sure they're off the heezy.

A. SS. HO. LE

2010-10-10T18:30:00.000+13:00

For Paul Henry who is outta here!

Go Here For Lolz

really good day

2010-10-09T23:26:00.000+13:00

Today was epic.

Len Brown won - thank fuck for that. Can you imagine another three years of John Banks?! So happy for Len and the team - great work everyone who helped out sign-waving, leafleting door-knocking, phone-canvassing and all that jazz.

You guys rock my world. I wish I'd been able to help out (mad crazy busy world).

The weird thing is that I dreamed Len would win. Months ago, before the election really started. It was weird, I went into work and (it was dead quiet, I had loads of time to think) and suddenly it occurred to me that the election hadn't happened yet, so why was I so certain that Len had won? I don't usually remember my dreams, so it was a weird sort of feeling.

I had this clear memory of someone saying to me 'Len Brown's won!' and me being happy.

What's really weird is that I also dreamed that the number of votes he won by had a six in it somewhere.

He won by 60,000 votes.

FREAKING ME OUT.

I may have inherited this weird Welsh thing from my mum, she has dreamed many many weird things before they happened. Crazy Celtic shit.

ANYWAY.

Also, I went to see Gin Wigmore tonight and it was incredible!! She is so fabulous, her voice is amazing and that band is really really very good.

Go and see her - the Grave Train Tour - so worth it. BEST concert I have ever been to (and I've been to see both Dylan and Clapton)

Also I bought a really very nice bag. I like bags.

We'd Rather Be: It Gets Better

2010-10-06T15:03:00.000+13:00

An inspiring post from my friend Phoebe's blog:

We'd Rather Be: It Gets Better:

"For those of you who haven't heard, there have been a string of suicides across America - over the last few weeks in particular - by gay youth. These kids - yes, it's KIDS who are out there taking their own lives - were suffering under regular, heavy bullying and violence against them because of their sexuality.

It sickens and saddens me that, after how far we've come as a human race, these things are still going on. That we are still allowing something as personal and private as one individual's choices to affect their humanity in our eyes. That there are people out there who truly believe they have the right to tell a person who they are and what they are worth - or aren't worth - based on their sexual preference just baffles me. Where does this sense of entitlement come from? How do those people sleep at night believing they have done the 'right' thing in harassing and assaulting innocent teenagers whose decisions affect no one but themselves? How do those people go through their lives day by day, reassured by the fact that they have somehow made the 'right' choice in who they choose to love, and the others out there who have made the 'wrong' choice are nothing more than scum and need to be shown so? To me, it goes against everything we are supposed to be as people - loving, accepting, honouring of each other - and is a demonstration of everything in ourselves we need to be fighting against - selfishness, arrogance, ignorance, fear - every minute of every day.

The outcry against these heartbreaking suicides, by kids who felt they really had no other option but to end their own lives, has been really inspiring, and can hopefully bring a little bit of hope into the worlds of those kids who feel like nothing can save them. The It Gets Better video campaign that has been growing day by day on the internet as celebrities and other well-known public figures post videos of encouragement and hope. Those messages, while only minutes long, are hopefully helping lost and confused teens out there realize that while it feels like it can't get any worse, it can actually get better. That while there are countless others out there who not only went through the exact same feelings, contemplated the exact same actions and often attempted them themselves, they are all people who made it through. They realized that the only person you need to worry about making happy is yourself, because at the end of the day there is no one else. They realized that as they got older they grew, and in doing so they learned to accept themselves for who they are and what they want, and they realized that nothing about that is wrong. They realized that it does get better, and it keeps getting better every single day. They realized that fighting for who they are is so much better than running away.

For those of you who tend to judge, stop for a minute. Imagine your brother, your sister, your best friend, coming to you and sharing the most difficult part of themselves with you. Imagine their heart pounding, their hands shaking, the fear in their eyes as they sit there in front of you, more open than they have ever wanted to be, and wait to hear from you what they have feared all along: that they are disgusting, that they are wrong, that they are unnatural. That they have made the wrong 'choice'. Why would anybody make that 'choice' knowing what comes with it? Imagine being that brother, sister, best friend. What reaction would you fear, and what reaction would you dare to hope for? What reaction would you deserve? As a human being, just as beautiful, talented, smart, passionate, excited, hopeful, dream-filled, as the next, what reaction would you deserve?

It's up to us to show those people what they deserve, and to give it to them. It's up to us, as people, to show them that it gets better."
by Phoebe at We'd Rather Be

Summer must be nearly here

2010-10-05T18:59:00.000+13:00

I debuted my summer legs today. When I was in my house they looked okay, their usual stumpy-tree-trunk-like selves (which used to cause me a lot of self-consciousness and insecurity, but thanks to the power of leggings and body-positive campaigns I've got over this) sticking out from underneath my very cute grey woollen skirt. When I went into the sun, I remembered that they, much like vampires (real ones, not sparkly ones) have not seen the sun since I was about eight.

I could stand at the roadside of an evening and use them as reflective posts (considered making a pun about this being a reflective post about reflective posts, reconsidered and moved on).

I think I blinded several small furry animals on my way to the bus stop.

But maybe this summer, having more confidence in my legs, I will allow them a little more sun so I can tan a little of the Welsh-ness out of them.

Let summer come so that we pasty anglo-europeans can enjoy the ritual of trying to tan, looking like a lobster from the sunburn and then fading to a slightly more tanned version of the norm.

Oh for a drop of melanin!

Paul Henry is an Asshole

2010-10-04T18:31:00.000+13:00

Yes indeed. He's not a good kiwi bloke who just speaks his mind or a hilarious talk show host looking for ratings. He's not to be ignored or dismissed. He is an asshole who needs to be sacked.

He's a racist, homophobic, sexist, people-with-disabilities-ist gibbering idiot. And apparently a monarchist, though what that has to do with making racist comments about the Governor General I don't know.

I'd like Paul Henry to tell me exactly what a New Zealander looks like? Colin Meads? John Key? Some other middle aged/elderly white bloke?

I'd also like the TVNZ spokeswoman who claimed that Paul Henry speaks for me to know that he doesn't. I don't find it appropriate to refer to a woman's physical appearance in order to ridicule her or to imply that there is only one way of 'looking like' a New Zealander (besides the fact that Anand Satyanand is a New Zealander, he doesn't have to 'look like' one).

I wouldn't secretly think that homosexuality is unnatural or that using the word 'retard' to describe someone is OK.

And Paul, I am not 'overly sensitive' or 'easily offended.' I respect people, and that is one of the many differences between you and me.

Actually, there are some people I actively disrespect. Paul Henry, for instance.

Some things I saw today which pissed me off.

2010-10-03T18:31:00.000+13:00

A giant Diet Coke ad in the mall with this gross puppet thing with weird Bratz-style proportions proclaiming that "a woman should be two things: fabulous and fabulous."

I want to throw up every time I see it. Not really a great strategy for selling diet coke.

A headline about how Angelina Jolie's (Angelina is the anti-Christ. And not in a good way) daughter Shiloh is somehow being forced by evil Angelina to be a boy. By dressing up in supposedly masculine clothes. Read: she's like 5 and she's not dressing like a skank yet like all the other 5-year-olds therefore must be a lesbian in waiting. 'Cause it's horrific to imagine that a girl might not want to dress like Barbie all the time. That's what's screwed up, not fact that ads like the diet coke one above which brainwashes women into thinking they have to be skinny and brainless to count (and when I say skinny I mean a corpse. A brainless corpse. They basically want women to be zombies).

This thing on 'I am offended because' about big boobs not 'counting' if you're fat. I really can't say it any better than she has so check it out.

A spread in New Weekly (shut up, I read it 'cause it's there) about Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton kissing and shooting up. The thing that pissed me off was that the picture of the two of them kissing was presented ina way which implied that two adult women kissing each other was more sordid and shocking than heroin. Also it's Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton, I think we've established that they do drugs.

The fact that I nearly just wrote 'Li-Lo' instead of Lindsay Lohan.

When customers lean over the counter and into my personal space in order to check that they have squeezed as much value out of their last ten-cent-piece as they possibly can. While wearing D&G sunglasses and hauling a Louis Vuitton handbag. Fuck off. If you want to see the screen ask me and I'll swivel it round. Don't lean into my face with your cloud of white diamonds.

The fact that the bookstore has had some christmas stuff out since early september. Can't we have a good even months of respite from christmas please? It starts earlier every year and every time I see it I get a nervous tick and the urge to hack people to death with broken copies of Mariah Carey's christmas album.

People who get pissed at me for things which I clearly have no control over. Like our product catalogue server going down. Yes I did it on purpose to annoy you. Take your Tag Heuer watch and scruffy fingernails and fuck off.

But on the bright side, there's Tank juice. Omnomnomnomnom.

This is truly one of the best things I've read in ages

2010-10-02T11:43:00.000+13:00

It's from my friend Coley's blog Tangerina (which is awesome) and it's something she contributed to her partner's (or Manfriend as she calls him :D) photography assignment.

It's pretty much a manifesto and a really good one. When she writes her bestselling-international-phenomenon-type book (no pressure Coley), this should be the foreword.

So please go along and read it here, I shall give you a wee preview:

The other day my boss said I was “an interesting set of contradictions”. I had brought over 100 immaculately decorated cupcakes with me in order to raise money for homeless animals (honestly), and as I arrived in the office he jokingly asked if I was wearing a pinny. In response I took off my jacket, proudly revealing the vintage gingham apron I had worn to get into the spirit of a bakesale.
I suppose my boss identified this as a ‘contradiction’ because of a previous conversation where I voiced my disappointment that a recent management reshuffle had resulted in a lack of women in and above middle management, or maybe it was because I told him about my involvement in a group trying to remove abortion from the Crimes Act, or that I used to be the straight Queer Rep at my university, or that I don’t dress to hide my DDs, or that I take long lunch breaks to go to church once a week. Either way, it’s apparent that I confuse people. This wasn’t the first time it’s been mentioned, but it was the most nicely put.
I like kittens, baking, and spending the occasional $200 on eyelash extensions. I dig God, am utterly aware that I am cisgendered and I strive to reject heteronormativity and cisnormativity within my heterosexual monogamous relationship. I never bought the belief that women who want freedom from oppression hate cupcakes. I am also fucking sick of not being comfortable getting off the bus and walking 500 metres home in the dark because I am supposedly ‘the weaker’ sex and therefore fair game...

It's inspirational really (much like Coley) so please go and read it and like it and reblog it.

Also, at the bottom of the post there are details of how you can get a copy of Jason's magazine - do it. Imagine how cool it would be to have on your coffee table.

Caitlin :)

I had a nice moment.

2010-09-29T19:24:00.000+13:00

I was on the bus and it was sailing through the streets of Auckland. I had 'American Honey' by Lady Antebellum on the iPod (shut up - I like country music - deal with it). The sun was shining off to the west - with that golden light which you get at sunset. Also it was nearly 7pm and the sun was still out which was nice. I had just been to Lounge at the University and listened to some spectacular poetry. I knew there was a glass of save waiting for me at home, where I could brag about my successful presentation for one of my courses (which was awesome).

I had a nice moment where I was happy to be alive and in the city. One of those rare moments of absolute contentment. Despite the two essays and forty thousand other things I have to do.

It was really a wonderful moment.

Muslim Barbies: Weird or Cool?

2010-09-29T16:41:00.000+13:00

Here they are:

I'm conflicted: I half think 'sure! Little Muslim girls probably like dolls and it must be nice to have one which isn't dressed like a pole-dancer and maybe resembles them and their family.' Then I think 'Gross! Mattel is exporting commercialised conceptions of beauty (which are sick and wrong to begin with) all around the globe. Now that we've brainwashed the western world's girls that they have to look like barbie in order to matter, we can start on the rest of the world. Also - I'm pretty sure most Muslims aren't white. These dolls look like your average pasty european fresh from the tanning bed.

I think I'm settling on weird actually.

I have a new blog.

2010-09-23T21:30:00.000+12:00

It consists of me posting pictures of clothes I like from fashion shows and sometimes I talk about them. Also nice shoes/pictures etc.

It's really quite neat.

Here're a couple of pieces I like:

It's pretty much like that only cooler.

It's called when the curtain calls.

I stole that from a New Pornographers lyric.

This thing I did in class - Political Parties as beverages.

2010-09-22T11:05:00.000+12:00

We were doing this thing in class, matching political parties to cars. But that's boring, so I tried to come up with a few drinks which sum up New Zealand Political parties.

National: A martini - expensive and hard to swallow.

Labour: Tui - it's beer, it's working class, it's not that great, but we can't afford a better one just at the moment.

Greens: spirulina. Made from organic ingredients of course.

Act: very sweet sherry in a dusty decanter - old fashioned and no one likes it.

Maori Party: the olive in National's martini, but they're hoping to make it to the snack platter.

NZ First isn't on the menu.

United Future doesn't drink.

Progressives'll have what Labour's having.

Thoughts?

MINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINE

2010-09-18T14:17:00.001+12:00

Mine. But will someone please give the model a sandwich. And maybe a hug.

Marchesa Fall 2010 (NYC)

I Am A Bad Blogger

2010-09-16T21:32:00.000+12:00

It's true. I confess. I've started like five blogs in the last year or so and I'm useless at keeping them up. But, I refuse to give this one up, mostly 'cause I like the name. Also it's nice to have an outlet for stupid customer stories.

I've been writing lots of policy related stuff at the moment and getting all Sam Seaborn-ish and dramatic, and I don't want to waste it, so I'm posting it here:

I want to see women in New Zealand achieve a greater level of control over their health and a recognition that health is not simply a physical and mental concept, but a societal one. I want to see the work which women do - paid and unpaid - to be valued equally to that of men. I want to see that women are able to make the most of the education system at primary, secondary and tertiary levels and beyond. I want to see that justice is available to all women in this country - not just in the court room and the House of Representatives, but in the community as well. And I want to see that women and their families do not have to struggle to get by, but can live their lives comfortably and meaningfully no matter what their economic situation. By empowering women in these ways, we can ensure a better future not just for women but for New Zealanders.

I've also been doing an assignment which involves lots of youtube videos of 50s-era advertisements, so I'll share my favourite one with you here.

AMAZING new blog of an old friend of mine...

2010-09-16T21:11:00.000+12:00

We'd Rather Be is a great mix of fashion, photography and beautiful prose. I Love Blogs.

A couple of things I've found that I love...

2010-09-12T23:05:00.000+12:00

From My Food Looks Funny

From Roflrazzi

From God Hates Protestors

From the Huff Post

From The Sartorialist

From Modcloth (WANT)

Also Modcloth (also WANT)

Originally posted by me on 'Everyday Feminism'

2010-08-11T21:34:00.000+12:00

Original Article

Rihanna and Eminem on domestic violence

Rihanna’s newest song out (that I know of, being a bit of a musical snob. I’m more Patti Smith than Rihanna really) Love the Way you Lie (here for those who are blessed enough not to have heard it yet) is accompanied by the linked music video and deals with an issue which pretty much everyone who has seen a gossip mag in the last year or so knows is pretty relevant to Rihanna’s life. Which is why I find it interesting that it completely glamourises (in my opinion) something which is far from glamorous: domestic violence. The chorus runs “Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, that’s alright because I like the way it hurts”

Really Rihanna? Is that the message you want to be sending women about domestic violence? Eminem loves to take the issues no one else sings about and turn them into his own tortured bonanza – as he did with the obsessive ‘Stan’ in the song of the same name – but what he’s doing is not necessarily giving us an insight into the issue but making it cool.

As Randy Susan Meyers pointed out in this article in the Huffington Post, the music video shows Eminem spewing out the usual justifications which abusive men use to excuse their behaviour, while Rihanna erotically sings straight into the camera.

Overall I find this song/video to be a really quite despicable use of a real, horrific issue to sell music (and sex) to a huge number of young men and women.

Also, as an aside it’s really annoying. Not as annoying as Umbrella though.

Dagnabbit.

A few new blogs I've been following...

2010-08-03T09:59:00.000+12:00

Lights, Candy, Action

A blog featuring photos of various films acted out by lollies. Yes, it is brilliant.

Paul Myburgh's -Shirts

A blog featuring the content of my contract lecturer's amusing t-shirts.

Here's Anneke...

A blog featuring my friend Anneke in famous moments throughout history.

Overheard. On the Plane. And I'm still a little disturbed.

2010-07-30T12:47:00.000+12:00

Okay, so I was on the plane. Boeing 737 800 for you plane geeks. Little entertainment centres on the backs of the chairs.

There was this woman in front of me who was taking advantage of the fabulous world of entertainment which Qantas offers to its customers. She was listening to the collected works of ABBA.

And singing.

Loudly.

I certainly didn't mind, in fact my mother and I were singing along, as we have a little soft spot for ABBA. We were happily having a wee sing-song to 'Knowing Me, Knowing You' and discussing the merits of plane karaoke (it would be LEGENDARY) when weird singing lady turns around and says.

"I'm a singer in New Zealand."

I nodded and smiled, with the possum-in-the-headlights look of someone who has encountered a crazy person in a confined space, with nowhere to run. She turned back around and I thought I was safe. My mum and I burst into silent laughter.

About ten minutes later, after the initial shock had worn off and we had returned to normality (well, as much normality as can be expected), she turned around again and handed me a CD.

She just happened to have one on her is what gets me. She carries around copies of her CDs for exactly this situation. Smart, I guess, we might have been on the board of directors for Tower Records.

It was a well made CD cover-insert-slip-thingy... considering it was probably made on Word 2003.

First track was 'God of Nation.' Second track was 'Downtown' by Petula Clark.

Think about it: "God de-fend New Ze-ea-laaaaand..." ... "When you're alone and life is making you lonely you can always go. DOWNTOWN."

Weird.

Also she wasn't a good singer at all.

Overheard at the Bookstore

2010-07-08T22:50:00.000+12:00

New thing, idea mostly stolen from House of Cat's 'Overheard at the Record Store,' 'Overheard at the Bookstore.' For the mostly inane, sometimes brilliant, often ridiculous things which are said in my hearing.

First one:

"What on earth is post-grad accounting about? Tax-evasion?"

Brilliant.

Oh and yeah...

2010-07-06T19:26:00.000+12:00

Someone came into the shop and asked for

"That book with the ballet. Ummmmmm... Moa's Last Dancer?"

....

....

*GALE OF LAUGHTER*

*Pictures a moa in ballet shoes*

Well, hello there.

2010-07-06T09:38:00.000+12:00

Hey y'all!!

'Hem. Sorry, I briefly turned into a seventeen-year-old cheerleading vice captain from New Mexico. It's been known to happen from time to time.

So yet again I have let my blog slip. It's like knitting. Every once in a while I think 'hey! Isn't knitting fun? Why don't I do that anymore?' Then I find the three rows of baby pink purl/plain (who the hell cares anyway) stitches which I gave up on some time ago. I nobly unstitch them all, wanting to start from scratch, remember I can't for the life of me cast on and give up, turning instead to solving the half-solved rubik's cube which has lain dormant for three or four years.

Actually, there have been a few crazy customers since I last posted.

There was the woman who went ape-shit at me for scanning a barcode because "IT GIVES YOU CANCER." Apparently she's been in previously as well. The mind boggles.

Then there was the woman who had no idea who Glenn Beck was. She was interested in buying his book. I informed her that the shop was really not likely to keep books on the shelf by hateful, bigoted, insane, xenophobic MANIAC. Okay so maybe I wasn't that forthright, but you know my job has to keep me in pringles and vitamin water.

Finally (and my favourite) there was the woman who handed over her loyalty card and a book and said "can you tell me if I've bought this book already?"

...

Um, yes, 'cause we live in a magical place called Oceania. In this place, Big Brother, AKA a major NZ bookstore chain, monitors your purchases for your convenience. We also log your bathroom visits.

A post which is really a procrastination tool

2010-05-10T18:02:00.000+12:00

I have stuff to read and a moot to write, so this is the perfect time to post something. I haven't decided what yet, so bear with me.

While I'm thinking about it, everyone should head over to Dinosaurs and Dandelions and read it 'cause it's awesome (and also 'cause they very nicely linked to me the other day. Which may be why some of you are reading this. Hmmm. Chicken-and-egg problem. Aaaaaanyway) and includes better top ten lists than the Huff Post and Time put together. Also handy recipes for things like fancy grilled bread and wonderful asian fusion dishes.

Don't head over there now though, I haven't decided what to talk about yet.

Another thing that's been on my mind is France and the Burqa. It's a problem for me, because I'm torn. Half of me instinctively screams at the idea of women being forced to cover themselves up to suit some extremist nonsense. The other half of me thinks that it should be everyone's choice what they believe in and it definitely should be everyone's choice what they wear. What's next? A ban on wearing anything religious in public whatsoever? Is France going to take a leaf out of Saudi Arabia's book and have anti-religious police roaming the streets with tasers and semi-automatics? Will I get shot for wearing a 'Mary is my homegirl' t-shirt, even if it is only ironically?

It's a pickle. Of course there is the fact that probably no one should give a crap about what I think, 'cause I'm a middle class, white atheist who lives in a western country and studies politics. I don't have to or want to wear a burqa. I suppose the issue is, is the reason why we never hear from the women wearing the burqas because we're not looking hard enough or because the don't get a chance to have a say?

Hmm, what else to natter on about before I figure out what to write.

The UK. It's nuts, they still don't have a government. For laughs, head over to Malcolm Tucker's election briefing cause Malcolm is a funny guy and damn it, I want him running my country.

Okay I have no idea what to talk about. OH WAIT.

I just talked about stuff. What d'ya know.

Update

2010-05-07T20:53:00.000+12:00

Conservatives: 290
Labour: 247
Lib Dems: 51

35 seats to go.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee have a hung parliament my friends.

UK election

2010-05-07T20:21:00.000+12:00

UK election 2010=crazy. It's been a nuts day, started watching coverage when it started at 10pm BST (9am NZ) and it's now 9am BST. It's been 11 hours and we're still 43 seats away from knowing the final results. Even then, seats which had problems with ballot papers and queues will most likely be challenged by whoever loses and if no one manages to secure a coalition majority then there'll be another election.

This is a political nerd's dream *shifty eyes*.

HIgh points: BNP has won nothing. NOTHING. Take that you neo-nazi fascist morons. Also Scotland is still a Labour stronghold and Wales hasn't let me down too much. Jack Straw's rosette was probably my highlight of the day. Unfortunately there aren't any pics yet :(

Lowlights: Jacqui Smith has been voted out, no doubt due to her embroilment in the recent expenses scandals (in which a claim was made for some porn her husband watched. Big no no really). Hundreds of people were turned away from polling places and loads of absentee ballots arrived in the UK too late to be counted, because of the ash cloud from the notoriously unpronounceable Icelandic volcano, which I'd spell here but I can't be assed.

As I sign out, the Conservatives are at 289, Labour's at 245 and the Lib Dems have 51. Other parties have 27 and there are 38 seats to go.

Christ.

What the Frak?

2010-05-05T18:39:00.000+12:00

My new favourite phrase. It's like what the fuck, but more whacky and fun-filled. I've had a few what-the-frak moments in the last couple of days. The first of which was a revelation that there is a terrorist organisation which is a Buddhist offshoot.

WHAT THE FRAK?!?!?!

That is bizarre and oxymoronic. Buddhists are meant to be non-violent. To all forms of life. That's their selling point. Their raison d'être. They pretty much fail at Buddhism. If you would like more info here's this wikipedia page which I prepared earlier (yeah right): Aum Shinriko.

Weird.

Another one: Justin Bieber does not know what German is (here).

Again, WHAT THE FRAK?

Bieber's Canadian, they're meant to be smarter than Americans. How could anyone have got to age 8 (which I assume is Bieber's age) without knowing what German is?

Bieber, you bring the female population to shame.

Wait, Justin Bieber's a guy?

WHAT THE FRAK?

Is it just me or is The Pacific a bit shit?

2010-05-02T18:41:00.000+12:00

It is isn't it? Based on how amazing Band of Brothers was, The Pacific isn't measuring up. It's quite good, but that's it. Granted TV One decided not to show the interviews with the actual soldiers, which is the whole point, but still.

Aaaaaaanyway.

Spent today not yelling at really stupid people. It's on days like today that I wish I lived in a Reginald Perrin sort of universe where I could lapse into a fantasy world in which wrecking balls smash into annoying mothers-in-law and things like that.

"How come you don't have any stampbooks?"

"BECAUSE WE'VE RUN OUT, THAT'S WHY!!"

My family is now having a long discussion about the various tenses of the verb 'to forget'

NERDS

A Post

2010-04-29T23:15:00.000+12:00

So I haven't posted in a while, so here is a post. Not much has changed here in the land of overpriced books, stationery and nick nacks, except a new soundtrack (thank goodness) largely made up of 80s music. People are still stupid (Don't you have 5 cent coins in this country?) (Do you have a book on the 70s era Czechoslovakian sewer system? No, I don't know the title or the author...), products are still weird (It's a pack of erasers cunningly disguised as crayons, yes), and I'm still underpaid. I've become obsessed with many more TV series since I last posted: Boston Legal (Denny Crane), Beautiful People, Weeds and Kingdom (avec le Stephen Fry).

I've not read many books, but I could inform you about a decent amount of contract law (up to Fletcher Challenge v ECNZ).

I've nearly finished No Logo by Naomi Klein, which has made me not only wildly anti-corporate, but also enraged by things which happened ten years ago (it's the tenth anniversary edition) and a bit of a hypocrite. I've read it while drinking diet coke, eating McDonalds and (GASP) drinking a Dark Mocha Frappucino in the House of Evil aka Starbucks. The only place one pays seven dollars for ice and syrup. But I s'pose at least I feel the hypocrisy instead of obliviously consuming unethical goods (desperate justification).

I have a new Sassy Gay Friend (let's call him Patrick Wolf) who is awesome, but don't tell him I said so, I'll never hear the end of it.

Also, I found this:

This guy is trippy.

Back to School Madness

2010-02-11T23:13:00.000+13:00

Okay, so really it's not madness. It's not even slightly crazy. Back to School this year has been pretty slow considering. BUT there's still the matter of LARGE numbers of school children in a shop. Now I may be prematurely middle aged (if so, I imagine myself like Diana from Waiting for God, a really smart, tough, scary, evil old woman sitting and watching the idiocy around her. Good times), but they yell at each other from two or three feet away. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM!!??

And what is with the insistence that they wear absolutely no pants? Suddenly leggings are appropriate attire for a public mall. I also feel like I should explain a sort of togs/undies threshold for the short shorts. And skirts that are actually badly disguised belts. Add to that the obsession with having the names of vapid male 'superhotties' embroidered on their clothes and you've got a nightmare my friends.

And boy are some of them rude!! I ask how their day is and nothing. Blank stares. Inside their heads: "OMG. She's a person. And she wants to, like, talk. What do I do??"

Okay, take a breath. I am a sad old git.

But at least I'm a sad old git with standards.

A Riddle Wrapped in a Mystery

2009-11-30T13:48:00.000+13:00

This is a personal message for Mr Pedantic Rod Up His Backside With No Ability for Nuance Whatsoever. Yes, you! You middle aged, Ralph Lauren Polo shirt wearing idiot. If you can't remember me, let me refresh your memory.

You came in to my bookshop yesterday and decided to buy a book for a family member/friend/colleague, which you obviously wanted wrapped before you gave it to them. I know this because when you brought your book up to the counter to pay for it, you asked me if we provided a gift wrapping service. I answered, quite correctly, no, we don't. You then began to protest.

"The sign says you do"

Confused and a little apprehensive, I responded:

"What sign?"

You pointed to one of our posters, sitting above a shelf end of stock, targeted to women. The sign said "Gifts for Her All Wrapped Up."

I paused, in disbelief. I'm still in awe of your magnificent stupidity now. How could you, a seemingly educated middle aged man, who is presumably able to read competently, actually manage to construe that sign as advertising gift wrapping? HOW?!!? I have decided not to record the rest of our conversation, as it was banal in nature and exasperating in tone, and consisted of many protestations of "It's false advertising" from you and "It's just our advertising slogan" from me.

Perhaps I can refer you to a good dictionary of English Idioms? Or perhaps just a dictionary of English, if you are so thick that you don't know what an idiom is? Have you heard of a little thing called metaphor? Are you so literal about everything that you take cover when someone says "It's raining cats and dogs"? It must be confusing for you when you watch the news, if you do at all, wondering why all the anchors are talking in a mysterious code about non-existent campaign trails or spotlights.

If you had had english as a second language, I would have understood. English is a strange language which really doesn't make sense if you think about it literally. But you were Joe Blogs, Number-8-Wire-Kiwi-Bloke who probably went to Auckland Boys' Grammar and studied law at Otago, now working very hard at getting millionaires off fraud charges. So the only conclusion I can then draw is that you were intentionally trying to be annoying, to wind me up, to make my day suck a little bit more than it already was.

You sir, are an infuriating, idiotic, horrible little mountebank, a pompous ass, a fool, and a philistine. One day, you will die alone and without anyone in the world to mop your fevered brow or hear your dying words. I firmly believe this will happen to anyone like you who takes out their insecurities on poor, unsuspecting, innocent shop assistants.

Beware and be afraid. The mysterious power of karma is, as Winston Churchill said about the USSR, "A riddle wrapped in a mystery wrapped in an enigma."

Spring Cleaned

2009-11-20T18:12:00.000+13:00

Exhausted. Wine. TV.

It's Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas. Christ.

2009-11-19T22:24:00.000+13:00

Okay, so we've all got to steel ourselves for the inevitable. The decorations are already up in the malls, there are christmas cards lining the walls of shops and apparently some shops are already playing christmas carols. Since july, there have been people buying christmas presents (the lazy ones that is, the organised people buy their christmas presents in the january sales) and people have been sending presents and cards to their relatives since september. We've been getting christmas cracker requests since august and there are still 35 days until the big day.

All of this is a preamble to the soul destroying conclusion that it's beginning to look a lot like christmas. Soul destroying you ask? Why? Surely christmas is a time of happiness, of presents and peace and goodwill to all on earth.

Yeah, except people who work in shops.

This will be my fourth christmas working in a shop and it gets worse every year. It's hot and stuffy all day, people are grumpy because it turns out that it isn't such a great idea to leave your shopping till 5.50pm on christmas eve, and maybe an even worse idea to be rude to the people who may or may not stay open five minutes longer so that you can find the perfect vacuous card to buy for sweetums.

Also the long line of people going all the way down to the back of the shop probably IS a queue, they're probably not just standing there looking pissed off and sweaty holding mountain loads of plastic crap for their own amusement. My point being, don't get shirty with me when I tell you that there's a line.

And yes I know it's annoying that you're one cracker off the number you need and we've sold out of the kind you've already bought, but I didn't make people buy the rest of them on purpose. Be a good host and go without.

If you want to make my christmas better, try to obey the basic rules of retail, which state that we're not going to refund you any money if you don't have a receipt, and certainly not if you have the receipt but left the product on the bus. Also we can tell when the disc of a dvd has been mauled by a pet or a child and we know you didn't buy it like that.

If you complain about a lack of christmas music three weeks out from christmas, we will hate you for the rest of our lives and believe me we will outlive you, just so we can dance on your grave.

This may sound like a whole lot of bitching which is a staggering overreaction to annoying customers. But at christmas time the gloves are off. It's personal. Christmas is like hell on earth for shop workers. The music, the noise, the endless stock shipments, the scrappy customers, the queue wars, the whole hellish despicable business. If you're rude to a shop worker at christmas, it's ten times worse than usual. So just don't. Please. It's christmas.

Peace and goodwill to all men and women of retail.

The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus

2009-11-18T17:31:00.000+13:00

Just got back from seeing The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus, possibly the weirdest film in the history of film. It was directed by Terry Gilliam, of Monty Python fame and it does have a slight Python-esque feel to it, but it's much weirder than Python. It follows a travelling 'magic' show around London, lead by Dr Parnassus (Christopher Plummer) with his daughter Valentina (Lily Cole) and some others. I don't actually remember their names, which sets the tone for the rest of this review. They come across Heath Ledger's character hanging by the neck under a bridge across the Thames and then some weird shit happens.

That's basically it. They hadn't finished the movie when Heath Ledger died, so they do some cool stuff with a couple of other actors (Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell etc) to finish off the role. The acting is really good, especially, of course, from Christopher Plummer and surprisingly from Lily Cole, who it transpires is not just a pretty face. The effects are amazing, different from anything I've ever seen before, and this movie is worth seeing on the big screen just for that. The first half was good, not amazing, but good. The second half was just too weird. So weird to the point of being absolutely pointless. It was so weird that you just lost touch with what was happening. It all had to do with wagers with the devil, the whole faust thing, and the downfalls of immortality. Also the need to choose one's path and the ramifications of those choices.

It would have been better as a mini series I think, with a little more time to play around with and breaks between episodes, maybe six parts. It would have been an award winning, life-changing mini-series as well, like The Singing Detective, or Angels In America, a mind-blowing, fascinating journey of evil vs who knows, the epic sort of showdown of ancient foes, which I've only really come across in Darkwater Hall by Catherine Fisher when I was a young teenager.

This movie could have been so good, but unfortunately it is just average. Cool effects, good acting, but very little substance.

The Book I'm Reading

2009-11-17T13:18:00.000+13:00

Finally the exams are over and I'm allowed to read books again. I now have a pretty amazing 3-month-long holiday and I'm planning to tackle some books which I've had for a while but haven't had the time (or the courage in some cases) to read. This summer I'm hoping to get through Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand (who is, of course, the spawn of satan and a total nutter, but boy could she write a thirty page monologue like no one else on earth) and perhaps something Victorian-ish, like Portrait of A Lady or something by Tolstoy. I also plan to first read Oryx and Crake, then the latest Margaret Atwood - The Year of the Flood - 'cause apparently they're linked somehow. Also Special Topics in Calamity Physics by Marisha Pessl, which has been on my shelf since over a year ago. Hopefully I'll have time for a Graham Greene and something Vonnegutesque, like Joseph Heller or Kerouac.

But first, I've started the 2009 Booker Prize Winner, Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel, which is a novel based around the life of Thomas Cromwell (Thomas, not Oliver - my fourth form social studies teacher didn't seem to know the difference, something which I pointed out to her several times). Cromwell was a friend and advisor of Cardinal Wolsey, who was in turn a friend and advisor to Henry VIII. So, it's an Historical Fiction novel, set in Tudor England. I know, right. Blerg. Boring, bodice ripping romp, with terrible inaccuracies and awful characterisations? Emphatically NO. I generally avoid historical fiction as much as I can, but when I saw that this book had won the Booker Prize, I figured it must be at least halfway decent. I was wrong, it is in fact (and I'm only 148 pages in) the best work of historical fiction I've ever read. It makes Philippa Gregory look like a mills and boon writer.

I think the trick is, that the novel is not chronological but jumps around a la The Time Traveler's Wife, or Cat's Eye. Perhaps the comparison to Cat's Eye is better, 'cause The Time Traveler's Wife was a little confusing in parts, but in Wolf Hall it's perfectly clear. Mantel has a wonderful style, in parts theatrical and otherwise almost like a record of the memories of Cromwell as he remembers them. This book is chock full of political intrigue and terrible tragedy, such as the loss of Cromwell's wife from sweating sickness early on and of course the pending doom of two of Henry's women - Katherine and Anne - which colours the story from the first page.

While up till now, my impression of Cromwell was mostly formed, adversely, based on this picture:

(not the nicest looking chappie)

I think after I've finished this book, I will have a completely different outlook regarding ol' Thomas. I'm sure he'll still be a Machiavellian jerk, but perhaps a more human one.

Read this book and you will be hooked on Tudor history - not the bodice ripping, palace intrigue type history, but one of the most politically volatile periods in English history. If you want to read more about the history of this time, Alison Weir's Henry VIII: King and Court is good, also David Starkey's The Six Wives of Henry VIII. Starkey also has a documentary history of Elizabeth I called Elizabeth, which you can probably get from Amazon.co.uk.

Oh, by the way, The Tudors is crap. Utter soft-porn crap, which is nowhere near historically accurate. That being said, Jonathan Rhys Meyers is pretty cute really and the acting is okay. Just don't base your history essay on it.

Bookshop Music

2009-11-16T14:57:00.000+13:00

Bookshops are meant to be intelligent places. That, at least, is the theory, one which Dan Brown and Marian Keyes have done their level best to disprove. A bookshop should be the sort of place in which people may converse intelligently about philosophy, politics, music and, well, books. It should be a place for thought, contemplation; for pondering, to borrow a phrase, life, the universe and everything.

Perhaps my view of the world is idealised and old fashioned, perhaps I long for the days when composers and philosophers would sit around in cafes in Vienna and discuss intelligent things. But, quite frankly:

This is whack.

Who wants to listen to ABBA in a bookshop? Or the Village People? Why, when I am browsing for a book, would I want to listen to Little River Band whining at me? Surely something quiet and subdued would be more appropriate, like Billie Holiday, Edith Piaf, or some freakin Mozart. But no, my manager insists not only on playing total crap in the store, but also on turning the volume all the way up, so that when you stand under a speaker you feel like you're at Christmas in the Park. In HELL. Because only there would Phil Collins, ABBA and Little River Band all play in the same concert.

Also, the one time I get to put Edith Piaf on, despite the fact that loads of people comment on how much they love it, I have to take it out, because some idiotic woman thinks that it's unpatriotic. Cause apparently, not only are we living in Nazi Germany, or Texas or somewhere, but we're also still pissed at the French over the rainbow warrior. And apparently Edith Piaf was one of the agents who snuck onto the boat (despite the fact that she was dead long before the rainbow warrior).

Okay. Rant over. But seriously, why even bother with music in a bookshop? It just makes the sales people cranky and the weird customers angry.